Monday, March 17, 2014

Season 4 Finale: That's It?

SPOILER ALERT:  I have watched all of Season 4!!!  You've been warned! 

Thanks to KCTS9 in Seattle for this hilarity! 
OMG so they're all away in the (teeny little) London mansion house...and Thomas is skulking around wondering what's going on at Downton.  When the cat's away, the mice will play!  He's scary as hell in this capacity!!  Just another side of Thomas I'd like to know better.

Paul Giamatti - hilarious already.  Holy shiz.  I've waited all season (snicker...4 weeks?) to see him and he does NOT DISAPPOINT.  At some point, Tracey will have to do one of her patented John Adams impressions for y'all.  It's spot on.

So glad Daisy got to go to London!  They treat that poor girl like the scullery maid.  Oh...wait.
 They have one of those, too...and her position is actually higher, isn't it?


American Ethan: "Aren't you excited?"
Arthur, I love you. But I will
cut you off without a cent!
Daisy: "I'm never excited."

OMG Dowager Countess running into Tom and his socialist girlfriend??  That's awesome!!!  SO ARTHUR!!  "Marry Susan.  And cheat with the nobody from Queens!"

Wow! Check out this coming out party!!  Holy crap, Rose - no wonder she thinks nothing of hanging out with the Prince of Wales.  Dang, girl.  Whatchu doin' hanging with hottie American jazz singers when you could be gettin' some of THAT??  I'm sorry...but "hottie" + "can carry a tune" does not = "filthy rich."  ;)

OMG I love how rude they all are around the Americans. This is tremendous.  And you just know Cora's mom will get the last laugh.  HOW is it possible that MaMA grew up in the same house with these people?  They are a) sane and b) funny.

OMG Poor Edith.  I feel so bad for her.  She is sooooo hormonal.  This has postpartum written all over it.  Been there...nuttied up that.

Truer words were never said:

Cora: "I hate to lie."
Mary "I'll do it.  I don't mind lying."

Mr. Pamuk's rotting corpse will drink to that!!

Ahhh Lady Mary.  She's so predictable in her bitchiness.

Countess:  "I'm too tired for an evening of second hand emotion."  OMG does Julian Fellowes write that shit?  Because it is hilARious.

She's even funnier when she's being bitchy to Martha:

Martha:  "Well the gang's all here, I see." 
Violet:  "Is that american for 'hello'?"

OMG I TOTALLY called it.  I KNEW they'd ask Daisy to go to America.  Knew, knew, KNEW it!!!  And her dumb ass said "no".  Holy crap, would someone please explain to Daisy that opportunities like that only come along...NEVER.  Her life would be FUN in the US.  Shit.  She might even marry Harold.  (Um, forget I said that.)

OMG they're at Sampson's.  And his butler didn't think a thing of it.  "Come on in, y'all.  Sampson ain't here but I've got some socks to darn close the door on your way out."  OMG This is so exciting!

Rose:  "They say Men always hide things in their sock drawer."  LOL Rose.  You should know!

Thomas is soooo evil.  I love it.  Positively love it.  He's the most interesting person on this show.  Why can't we see more of him and his tricks?  Shit.  Bring back O'Brien to be his sidekick.  You never know...they didn't KILL her!

Jolly good work, Bates!  NICE pickpocketing.  That is awesome.  Bates has gone from holier-than-thou to Cat Burglar in no time!!  Do we even question whether he killed the rapist?  Survey says: NOPE!

Ugh - bummed we have to wait for more Downton...and hoping they'll spice it up a little more next season.  The Blake/Tony/Mary storyline?  SNOOZEFEST.  It's so ridiculous to think these guys would be fighting over her.  She's a) not stunning, b) not a virgin (think of the time period) and c) plummeting toward the dreaded MC: Middle Class!  OH YEAH...and she's a BEOTCH.  Why does Blake even want her?  Makes no sense to me.

My recommendations for next season:

1 - STOP making people chase Mary around.  Season 1 was Season 1.  Leave it alone.  How's about making MARY hook up with the American jazz singer?  Now THAT would be interesting.

2 - Rose is not Sybill, never will be.  We don't care what she does.  See Oliver on the Brady Bunch for more clarification.

3 - STOP FUCKING WITH BATES.  Bates used to be suave and good and a total hottie.  STOP MAKING HIM COMMIT CRIMES. I'm thinking someone needs to tell Brendan Coyle to visit the gym over this hiatus (no offense, Brendan, I'm carrying 2013 Christmas cookies on my ass, too)...and get back to being the Bates we know and lust after love.

4 - STOP FUCKING WITH ANNA.  She's sweet and kind.  And that's necessary with all that mean that goes on in that house.  Leave her alone.

5 - FUCK WITH THOMAS.  He needs more juice in his storyline.  GIVE IT TO HIM.  He is capable of handling it with ease.

6 - Daisy = boring.  Love her character, but she's secondary if not tertiary. Leave it that way.

7 - More:

- kookiness from Cora/MaMA
- bitchiness from the Dowager Countess
- hardships for Mary (taste of her own meds)
- relatives from America

I'll think on this one and get back to ya.

Thursday, February 27, 2014


I would imagine I'm the kookiest person in this house.

Some Downton Funnies from Season 4, Episode 6

Edith:  "They still seem as keen as mustard."

Really Edith?  Really?  Exactly how keen is mustard?  (Of course I had to look it up and found this.  Pretty interesting, no?)


Since when is Bates the cobbler?  For the love of god, man.  Put DOWN those shoes and get up there and link PaPA's cuffs!  What do you think this is?  Scotland?  Such menial work for a servant of such high standing!  Pfft!

I don't like this opinionated socialist beotch who's constantly making snarkified comments to Tom.  WTF?  Get off his jock.  You hate the high class...and yet you're desperately interested in the high class.  Know what I think? of you.

Tom:  "I don't believe in types.  I believe in people."  YOU GO, GUY!!!  So what, the rich are supposed to play nice with this chick...but she has no interested in playing nice with them.  Ew.

Tony isn't giving up on Mary, yo. "I find that both irritating and beguiling in equal measure."  Um, Mary?  I felt the same when you offed Mr. Pamuk, mmmkay?  Pipe down and be nice.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Sex, Lies and Telegram Tape

SPOILER ALERT:  The following are my thoughts while watching season 4, episode 6.

"That's not dirt! 
I want PAMUK-caliber dirt!"
OMG Thomas is so deliciously evil!  I love all the mystery surrounding his douchyness.  WHAT is his problem??  Why can't this guy ever just BE?  He's so miserable.  It's positively delectable!  They MUST give him more to do on a weekly basis.  I see his ass skulking toward the camera and get giddy with glee!

"Don't interrupt when I'm
trying to insult you, Izzie
"A wonder you don't just set fire to the abby and dance 'round it!"  The Dowager countess is obsessed with making Isobel feel like crap most of the time.  And she does a lovely job of it. 

"I imagine I'm nuttier
than a fruitcake, dear
Poor Edith is upset about not hearing from Gregson.  Never fear, Edith...MaMA is "sure it's just a failure of communication".  My lord, does that woman's brilliance never end?  

Ha!  Mrs Patmore!!  You randy vixen, you!!  Rudolph Valentino makes her "shiver all over"!!  And how about Mr. Carson's retort; "What a very disturbing thought."  That is tremendous.  I love how he just shits on everyone straight to their face, without giving it a second thought.  He's like your dad...but worse. 

Poor Mama.  She already committed to entertaining the ladies at a charity dinner tomorrow...but she's just so tired from sitting around reading books.  Can we give this poor woman a break?  It is NOT easy eating breakfast in bed every morning and being dressed by someone all day.  All the poor thing wants to do is sit at her night table and rub cream on her elbows.  Is that so wrong??? 

And how about the letters, saying that MaMA's brother has invested poorly??  And she abuses him for it!  What about her husband who knows as much about investing as Mary's kid and baby Sybie?? Lorddddddddd the judgments!!!

"If you don't seat us, Mr. Bates will kill you in your sleep."
"She's right.  I'll do it."
LOVE Anna and Mr Bates being seated because of Lady Grantham.  (Normally she's MaMA, but she commands my respect when she's helping the help.)   What a douchy maitre d'.  Anna and Mr. Bates have on their Sunday best!  What's his problem?  

You know...I can't help but wonder.  Doesn't everyone in town know each other ??  Wouldn't you think the maitre d would know Mr Bates and/or Anna...and know they work at Downton??  I get that Yorkshire was rather large...but how far would they have gone from home to go out to dinner?  

Sad...yet hilarious: 

PaPA: "My most darling girl, what's the matter?"
Edith: "But I'm not your most darling girl, am I?

You GO, girl!!!  MENTION that elephant in the room for once!!  And oooh PaPA - you don't know the half of it.  Gregson is a lot more than a missing chap, m'lord.  He's your fourth most darling girl's baby daddy!  Run and tell THAT!!!  (Poor Edith.  Even dead Sybil comes before her.)

"I'm so bored with me'storyline."
How about Alfred leaving??  I can't figure out this storyline at all (pronounced "eh-tool".)  Why the back-and-forth about him leaving?  Kick him out and get on with it!  Or make him stay!  It's really not that important, now, is it?  I guess that's the best they can come up with for Daisy these days?  Her handlers are probably writing it into her contract that they have to give her a few lines in every episode.  I wish they'd give her more.  I really like her character and she's wasted while she's hidden away with the bread all day. 

Early 20th century English rich people question of the day:

Why is the gong rung at 7 if they don't go to drawing room until 8?  Riddle me that, please. 

Look at Molesley!  Serve the servants!  That rules!  Better watch out, Thomas will tell you he doesn't like it and make you fetch him another! 

"I'm not UNhappy...I'm just not quite ready to be happy."  More words of wisdom from Lady Mary.  I do understand them, though.  I wonder what's going to happen with the cutie pie she blew off a few weeks ago.  If he shows up at Downton with his bride, I'll hurl. 

"I think they're all nuts.
But they pay well
OMG here we go.  The American band leader (Jack Ross) is here and all hell is going to break loose. Have you never thought of visiting Africa?"  Really, Carson.  Does that even make sense?  Why would you ask him that?  Did you forget to put your manners back on after your last discussion with Molesley?

"She loves me."  "My elbows need cream."
OMG I LOVE LOVE LOVE Napier - the dude who came to analyze Downton with Charles Blake (the little douchey man Lady Mary hates).  Napier's PERFECT for Mary.  He's kindof like Matthew in that he's pretty OVER it all.  Love him AND his dimples.  He's so Hugh Grant-esque.

(OMG HOW awesome would it be if Kilwillie Julian Fellowes could convince Hugh Grant to come on and play Mary's new beau?!)

Come on Edith - maMA knew about Pamuk...surely you can tell her you've got a bun in the oven!  She's a very forgiving woman!  Espesh when she's sipping her funny tea.  Opium.  It's not just for breakfast anymore!  (NOTE:  No, there is no evidence that MaMA's tea is spiked; I just like to pretend it is.  How else does one account for the plethora of ridiculous things that come out of her mouth?)

Band leader: "I've been so well looked after here."  CLEARLY, sir.  You'd have been even more well looked after had Lady Mary not caught your ass down in the servants quarters with her cousin.  You're lucky it was her.  She isn't nearly as judgmental as the rest of them...what with her dalliance with Mr. Pamuk and all. 

Don't you love how Mary yells at the top of her lungs "Is anyone still awake down here?"  Well they are now!!!  I'd have thought they'd all have come running in their night caps.

Can't wait for Sunday!!

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Oh Those Crazy Crawleys!

SPOILER ALERT:   I've watched 5 episodes of Season 4.

Juice is so delish!
Oooh MaMA!  Orange juice!  How lovely!  We Americans need a little sunshiney citrus reminder once in a while.

UGH this Anna storyline is on my nerves.  Just tell Mr. Bates.  Or don't.  But stop sulking.  I KNOW I KNOW - that's AWFUL.  I feel AWFUL for her...and THAT'S why I can't stand her sadness!!  Anna is the happiest person in that house!  It's killing me!!!

Um...what was that?  Something about
signing something?  I don't remember!
Poor Edith.  Hasn't heard from her boytoy in a while.  We all know why.  HE'S SCREWING HER OVER!  But it's OK because MaMA "expects he's busy."  What a brilliant woman, that MaMA is.  Such intelligence...with just a little touch of barbiturate.

"A wonder your halo doesn't grow heavy; it must be like wearing a tiara around the clock."   Oh I love when the Dowager is in a flippant mood!

Well I'll be damned.
She actually knows she has a kid
living somewhere in the house!
Oh look!  Mary has a baby! Who knew?!

Does anyone know who this guy is who's having tea with MaMA, PaPA and Lady Mary??  Mary seems to dig him...and I have no idea who he is.  How is that possible??

OH BATES! This is a terrible position to put Mrs. Hughes in.  Terrible!  And SMART!  SHIT!  Here she goes!!! OMG SHE'S GOING TO TELL!!!!  OMG!!!  She's singing like a canary!!!

Absolute hilarity =   Edith: "Welcome to the club."  Mary: "Oh stop moaning."

Mr Carson should stop bullying Mr Molesley.  What a douche!  Just TRY and understand what he's saying, maybe??  Walk a mile in HIS shoes, Chumley!

"I can't lose Sybil's child.  It's too much to bear."  Good one, PaPA.  You probably don't even know her name.  And does MaMA even REMEMBER Sybil?  Because she seems much too lively and happy to me.  She was your youngest child, sister!  It's almost unCOMfortable to watch her bordering nutty jovial quips.

Awww.  Poor Alfred.  He's wanted to be a cook since...since...since at least last week.  Daisy's all "Woot!  Alfred's staying!  I get to watch him salivate over Ivy who makes out with Jimmy every day!  Fantastic!

Ohhhh Lordddd.  Anna and Bates are making my cry my eyes out.  This is some of the greatest acting I've seen in years.  "I've been spoiled for you."  KILLING ME!

Well...PaPA is now lending money to his renters to pay him the money they owe him.  Think about that.  Gosh that PaPA is a savvy businessman.  NOT.  For once, I agree with Mary's inner bitch!  NOT that I don't feel bad for the guy...but...helLOOOO?  Downton isn't exactly a thriving fiefdom.

Jail food wasn't so bad...

Wow...WHAT is Mr. Bates going to do???  I'm afraid he's going to beat the snot outta some poor soul who shows up to deliver cheese!!!

HOW am I supposed to wait until next week???

Monday, January 27, 2014

From the Lost Downton Purgatory Archives...

SPOILER ALERT:  This was written during episode 3 of season 4.  I've already posted about episode 4...but I found this and can't let it go to waste!  Enjoy!  (PS - Episode 5 post coming soon!) 

Oh Lady Mary...we're so sorry about the phonograph.  Please forgive us.  OK!  Let's get back to dancing!!

Lady Mary's not sure if she's that upset about Matthew...or that she wants to get it on with Lord ____.  Apparently she's digging his scene.

Oooh Mr. Molseley!  (I can never spell his name.)  Yey!  He's got a temp job at Downton!

Lady Mary is bitching about the singer being to late for the help!  Do the help even GET tea??  OMG she's so clueless!!

Poor Mr. Gregson.  He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.  They're never going to accept him.  And I don't know if I can handle watching Edith husband-shop another time.

Oooh a friendly little card game?? Mr. bates is not going to like this!!!  Oooh here he comes!!!

Oy.  Can someone give Carson a drink.  He's so uppity all the time!

Is it me or does the opera singer look dead?  Or like...some kind of wax figure.  I almost want to get my picture taken with her and my instamatic.

Oooh Mr. Greyson is saving the day!  I knew he knew that Sampson was up to no good.

OH MY GOD Anna!!!!  And the wax lady singer is drowning out her cries!!! Oh this is awful!!! That guy is such a douche - you could tell the second he showed up.  And he has the nerve to come back in, buttoning his coat!

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Boys and Girls

SPOILER ALERT:  I have watched 4 episodes in season 4.

I'm so happy Mary feels "quite refreshed"...aren't you?  We all need some refreshing now and then!

Poor Daisy.  She's never happy.  I think Alfred should go, just like Mrs. Patmore.  All he's doing is upsetting Daisy on a daily basis...and he doesn't even mean to.  This storyline is such a J. Geils Band song in the making.

Sigh...Tom.  He's "been in a glump all day."  I hate when I'm in a glump.  It's truly unbecoming and gives one wrinkles in the long run.

There are no words for the
hotness that emanates from
Rob James-Collier.  Nope.
How about this: How about WE all keep our eyes open, and ON Thomas, since HE is one SMOKIN' jackass hottie.  It's no wonder he won "sexiest male" at the soap opera awards a few years in a row.  I could look at that yum all damn day.  Mmm Hmm.

Poor Anna.  OMG Bates is making her kiss him!  SHITE.  She's going toe tell him she hates him so he doesn't kill that ass driver of Tony's.  Aka "Tony's man".  Bitch, please!  (Not Anna; Tony's man.  Anna's the furthest thing from a bitch.)

I love how they all go to Mrs. Hughes.  Poor Tom.  He's in quite a pickle.  This situation is AWFUL.  I want to kill the new ladies' maid.  I don't even know her name, that's how much I can't stand her.  Edna.  That's it.  Meh.  I truly can't even look at her.

You don't mind if I use you a bit
before I take off and see the world
now do you, Ivy?  Thanks. 
"Would you like some tea?  It's no bother as I'll ring someone else's ass for it."  And is it me or did James take his damn time getting to the sitting room to answer Mary's call??  He's too busy k-i-s-s-i-n-g Ivy in the whatever-it-is room.

I KNEW he was going to propose!!! I KNEW IT!  SHIZ!  What is she going to do?  NO DUDE NO!
You don't want to spend the rest of your life with her!  NO!!!!  OMG he's groveling.  No.  Please.  Save yourself, dude!  She's a MANeater!!!  She doesn't deserve you and your cuteness!!

Admit it.  You hate my pretty, round face.

OMG THE Dowager Countess is disgusted that PaPA is in his BLACK TIE instead of his WHITE TIE.  Oh that's fantastic!  You just can't make that up!!  And he's trying not to hurt Tony's feelings as poor Tony only brought his BLACK tie because he didn't know if Mary would throw his ass out 20 minutes after he got there.

Edith rules.  "I hope that doesn't mean we have to do the washing up."  I thought the same damned thing when I cleaned out my crock pot tonight, too!

Poor Anna.  Don't switch rooms!  Just because you have to dress MaMA AND Lady Mary!  And if you do, make sure you dress MaMA first and let Lady Mary wait a loooong time while MaMA rubs healing salve into her elbows. ;)

Let's kiss passionately and make the
audience feel totally awkward since
Matt's been dead now, what, 2 weeks?
How could Tony expect Mary to say Yes?  Come on now.  Even *I* will defend her on this one. Poor thing.  Now she's even more sad.  And that kiss!  It was awesome...yet so misplaced!  I wanted to get completely lost in it...but I just couldn't!  Kindof like how Lady Mary feels about Tony!  Somehow I don't think this is the last time we'll see him.  BUT - as cute as he is - I think she needs someone more dynamic.  Is it me?

I'm finding Carson very boring tonight.  And that makes me feel guilty because he's got a good heart deep down underneath all that high-and-mightiness.

Edith, you ignorant slut!  I love it!  You GO, girl!  That's what I'M talkin' 'bout!  It's about TIME you and whats-his-name got down to some good lovin'.  Although...WHAT was that thing you signed, sister?  I am a little nervous for you.  PLEASE tell me this guy isn't going to screw your over, too.

You are wishing I'd let Bates
kill that ass now, aren't you?  
Oh Mr. Bates.  I feel so bad.  How long is this storyline going to play out?  It's killing me.  I hate that they messed with happy, strong Anna.  Why do long-running shows always feel like everyone has to evolve?  She was fine the way she was.  No - she was AWESOME the way she was.  We always knew we could count on Anna and her positivity whenever something went wrong...with anyone.  Why take that away from us?

"You're a grown woman...and I'm not a spy."  Um, actually, pretty much are!  And while you're dishing out your extra large spoonful of tsk-tsk, perhaps you'd like to offer some to your own daughter once in a while.  Just sayin'.

That's it for me.  Looking forward to seeing who Thomas is bringing in to be MaMA's ladies' maid next week!